As my collection of friends begin to show their age (with knee problems, high blood pressure, cholesterol challenges, balding), I sometimes think about some of my own aches and pains including my lower back and knees after playing intense games of basketball. And when I think about recent celebrities passing away at the young age of 75-80 years old, I begin doing the math of the remaining time I might have on this planet. So at the turn of the New Year, I reached several conclusions. Not resolutions. Conclusions.
My delightful millennial coworker Stella often teases me at work about my Gen X philosophies and idiosyncrasies. When I was in my 20's I never would have imagined going to bed at 8pm and that's one of the many things about me that she banters about. When I explained to her that on my dating profile, I included that I like to have meaningful conversations about life, she exploded in laughter pointing out that it's far too serious and a turn-off to say that. After her brief 101 on dating, I stood back and said yikes...she's right! Thus, I elected to save the meaningful conversations about life for a blog or with my close friends only.
I woke up again in the wee hours of the morning, unable to get a decent night's sleep. I desperately tried hard to fall back asleep, but restlessness became my blanket and soon my eyes were as wide eyed as my cat's. I rolled over and fumbled around in the dark for my phone and saw that it was only 4:03am. Another 57 mins to go before my alarm is supposed to wake me up to go to my bootcamp class at the gym. Unable to find interest in any of my apps on my phone at four in the morning, I for no other reason than boredom began scrolling through my list of phone contacts.
I felt free. Free of internal judgment, fear and self loathing. I felt my best self come alive.
Without an ounce of doubt, self-discovery has changed me and the way I think. I thirst for it now because it liberates me from who I was before. My perspective on life has shifted and this gift I was given is an opportunity for personal growth and a healthier wellbeing. Collectively this improves my mental health.
A little deep thought about what finding peace means to me.
Kindness begins with how we see ourselves. Much of this depends on how we were treated as children. Unfortunately, childhood abuse survivors often grow up as adults who a have hard time seeing themselves with kindness. We don't realize the subconscious voices telling us that we're unlovable, we don't deserve happiness, we're ugly or we're useless.
With each passing significant experience in my life, I'm able to self-reflect with personal growth. There's been so many incredible positives to take away from this experience. Yet another chapter in my life, albeit short, has completed and new ones await.
What is it about my ego that makes me want to believe I am right rather than doing what is right? I confuse myself at times between being righteous with doing the right thing. It can be such a perplexing thought.